Unsolicited

1) Don’t. Or at least, make darn sure that if you are putting someone through the pain of receiving help, and yourself the pain of giving it, that that someone is getting some clear benefit.

2) Ask. I talked at Greg because I care deeply about him (and his wife, his kid, the other staff in his little shop)- I really want him to get where he wants to be. But I opened with what I wanted for him, not what he wanted for him. He might be totally content with a small scale business that never really goes anywhere, because he's getting all the joy he needs from it. I could have served him so much better by simply asking:

"What position do you want to get to?"

That way, the help I’m providing can be aligned to reality- and not what's in my head.

3) State your intent.

“Hey Greg, I really love your shop and I want it to be a big hit. Can I give some suggestions on how I think you can get there? I'd love to help if you're open to it.”

Or maybe with your direct report:

"Hey, I've noticed that there's a vibe in meetings and you might be a bit nervous presenting. If you like, I'd love to talk through some ways we can work on it together? I'd love to help, if you're open to it."

4) Check who the help is for. Are you intervening because it's going to benefit them? Or you? Both are valid, but best not to kid yourself.

If your team member isn't presenting well in meetings- is that bothering them? Or is it just your ego that needs them to do better? Either is fine, but be clear on your intent so you frame your advice appropriately.

5) Don't be mad if they don't take your advice.

Y’know that friend that tells you the same problem, 15 times? Maybe about the boyfriend she needs to ditch or about what colour to paint her nails (spoiler- she's going with French, again)- or just asks your advice and then clearly ignores you.

That is okay.

Sometimes, you're helping with part of their decision-making process (what not to do is as important as what to do). Sometimes, they just want to make you feel part of their lives by sharing a problem or decision. This is hugely infuriating for people who put time and effort into their response, but actually, giving advice should never come with the caveat that it has to be taken.

This week, I asked someone to help me edit an email. I saw him spend about half an hour on it- making comments and changing words. After that, I wrote him a thank you, and ignored about 75% of his comments. It might sound rude, but it isn't- he helped me decide what I did want. Also, he likes an em dash, so I helped him understand he can be wrong too. Either way, advice should be taken for exactly that- advice. If you want a command, work in a kitchen, but if you live in a world of opinions, be comfortable with everyone's being different.